Character Profile

JeffHatch: 60 Crescent Lane Novato, CA 94,947 USA (with assistance from Chris Seeman)

In an effort to acquaint itself with some of the more colorful personalities to be found in Middle-earth, Other Hands’ 1640s correspondent, Oxrandir (venerable loremaster from Minas Tirith and president of the eminent Gondorian Historiographical Society), has taken it upon himself to make the journey to a rather important trade conference being held in the city of Tharbad; and there to interview one of the most unlikely prime movers of such an event: King Konar of Dor-en-Gurth.

The name probably doesn’t ring a bell. Most of our readers have never even heard ofa place called “Dor-en-Gurth” (S. Land of Death — charming, isn’t it?). But this is not surprising, for our interviewee’s self-styled title and territory are both recent acquisitions, and have only achieved wide¬spread recognition on the occasion of the present trade conference. Nevertheless, through long trials and obscurity, Konar has become a force to be reckoned with in world affairs. His story is asfascinating as the man himself.

Konar is a full-blooded Estaravi Northman from the upper vales of Anduin, who left his homeland to seek his fortune in the wide world. His resume reveals the many incarnations he had to pass through before becoming what he is today — barbarian, bartender, cook, comedian, sailor, seamaster, thief, mutineer, rogue, captain, lord and, finally, king “by his own hand”. While admitting that his tale has had its imitators throughout past and future history, our interviewee contends that he is the originator of the well-known hero pattern. Despite the universality of “his” archetype, Konar’s story is firmly rooted in the particularities of the 1640s of the Third Age, as our corespondent was soon to discover.

We turn now to the site of the interview Oxrandir is seated in a tastefully designed reception chamber located somewhere within the conference facilities in Tharbad Konar sits across from him in his “portable throne”; not overly pretentious, but distinct enough to mark his claim to fame. He sips a glass of fine wine during this brief respite from the proceedings of the conference Oxrandir has never interviewed “royalty” before, and appears to be a bit tense, but “the King” quickly breaks the ice with characteristic levity.

Oxrandir: Do you mind if I smoke?
Konar: What — you want I should douse you in oil and light a match? Ha! Now that’s funny!
Oxrandir: [laughing] Well, your majesty — or may I call you Konar?
Konar: You can call me whatever you like, as long as it looks good in print.
Oxrandir: Fine Let’s make things simple and keep it just Konar.
Konar: Go for it.
Oxrandir: Well, I suppose the first thing our readers would like to know is how it all began — I mean, from cook to king is a pretty big career change
Konar: Yes it is. But it just goes to show that you can’t keep a good barbarian down — at least that what I’ve always said. Anyway, I guess it all began about twenty years ago when I decided to leave mom and dad up north and see the world
Oxrandir: What made you decide to leave?
Konar: Boredom, mostly Nothing much happens up there in the mountains I mean, sure, you have to deal with Ores and wargs sometimes, but they’re not much of a challenge
Oxrandir: But what about Angmar and the Witch king? Isn’t it true that his realm lies on both sides of the Misty Mountains?
Konar: Yeah, he’s a real pain in the ass; but he never bothered much about us — we lived far enough south of Gundalok to avoid most of his cronies
Oxrandir: I see.
Konar: Anyway, as I was saying, things were getting a bit too dull for me up there, so I packed my bags and made for Maethelburg on the River.
Oxrandir: Is that where you became a bartender?
Konar: No, that was later I started out as a cook, and worked my way up to bartender (if you know what I mean). So, eventually I made my way downriver and came to this outlaw town called Strayhold There I met some other Northmen who were on their way to Gondor — heard that the king needed mercenaries for the war with the Corsairs of Umbar.
Oxrandir: So that’s how you came to join the navy.
Konar: For a little while; but I got tired of getting paid shit wages for fighting pirates and all.
Oxrandir: Where were you stationed?
Konar: On Tolfalas We were sent from Pelargir with this captain to patrol the straits against the Laughing Reaver
Oxrandir: The name is not familiar to me.
Konar: That’s because the Reaver laughs no more — not after we got through with him But I’m getting ahead of myself in the story. In any case, the Reaver was the leader of the Pirates of the Red Cliffs [the coastline of the Harad immediately south of the River Harnen], and had been causing trouble for the king
Oxrandir: But you yourself also got into some kind of trouble with Gondor, if I’m not mistaken.
Konar: Well, you see, what happened was that some of my friends and I were on patrol one day and came across some of these pirates burying their ill-gotten goods on Tolfalas After disposing with them, we decided to err keep the treasure for ourselves as “compensation,” and figured that it was time to leave the navy
Oxrandir: So you took the money and ran.
Konar: Well, yes, but we also needed a ship to get off the island, so we attempted a mutiny
Oxrandir: Which failed.
Konar: Because of a traitor who had been placed in our midst to warn the captain! And he got his just deserts later.
Oxrandir: But you were arrested and tried
Konar: In Pelargir, yeah But we did escape, thank you very much
Oxrandir: Of course. But what made you decide to turn to Umbar? I mean, you as a Northman could surely not expect to get very far in Corsair society
Konar: We were afraid of that too, at first, but as it turned out we found ourselves in the right place at the right time. You see, Castamir’s widow, Mrirabeth, had a grudge against that floating fat man, Borathôr [one of the chief captains of Umbar], who had secretly made friends with the Pirates of the Red Cliffs as a way of getting extra cash into his coffers Mrirabeth wanted to expose Borathôr’s alliance and to further embarrass him by having a nobody (like me) take over the Laughing Reaver’s operation. So we went in there and took his castle, exterminating all of the pi rates who refused to surrender
Oxrandir: So the vicinity of the Red Cliffs became “Dor en Gurth?”
Konar: Yeah, I got the idea from one of my companions, who had this pet iguana that he carried on his shoulder and called Turion-o-Gurth (S. Master of Death). We did it kind’ a as a Joke We renamed the Reaver’s castle “Ostogurth”, and made our banner a green iguana on a red field
Oxrandir: And the rest is history?
Konar: Well, there was a lot that happened in between. We made friends with the local Haradan tribes and helped to mediate their disputes. Eventually, things got too hot in Umbar, and Borathôr tried to assume control over the other captains, so they called me in to remedy the situation since I had the support of the Haradrim.
Oxrandir: And you dethroned Borathôr?
Konar: I “de-headed” him actually
Oxrandir: I see
Konar: Everyone was so happy with me that they decided to confirm me as “king of the Haradrim.”
Oxrandir: That’s a pretty high promotion
Konar: Well, the Corsairs have never been too strong on land, so they figured it would be easier to leave the defense of Harnen to somebody more competent.
Oxrandir: But how were the men of the Harad persuaded to submit themselves to your rule — you, a foreigner?
Konar: Maybe they thought I was a nice guy (just kidding) Well, it’s not as if there aren’t any precedents — take Fuinur and Herumor, for example They were Dúnedain, but they ruled over Haradrim Territory.
Oxrandir: But what’s the secret to your success?
Konar: Well, you see, it’s all in the reputation. Whenever I confront an enemy, he usually knows that all who face me either join me or die. The intelligent ones choose the former
Oxrandir: Have you ever considered a career in world domination in as you claim, your reputation is so of effective?
Konar: World domination? Nah, I’m quite content with being king over my own little corner of the world.
Oxrandir: But your presence here at this trade conference suggests that you are not wholly unconcerned with the fate of the outside world
Konar: Well, that goes without saying
Oxrandir: Konar, tell our readers about how you got involved in this undertaking
Konar: Hmm that a long story, but I can give you the short version
Oxrandir: Go right ahead
Konar: Well, it all started a couple of years ago when a series of events brought myself and some of my friends from Umbar and Gondor to the southern realms — beyond Far Harad.
Oxrandir: Sorry, you still have friends in Gondor?
Konar: Call them “former acquaintances” if you like. In any case, we were united against a common enemy the Storm King
Oxrandir: I find it extremely interesting that this “shadow in the south” chooses to be known by this name Do you think there could be a relationship between this Storm King in the south and our own Witch king in the north?
Konar: You mean whether they might be somehow related, like two extensions of some single power and will be directed against the survivors of Númenor?
Oxrandir: Exactly
Konar: Nah, I think it’s just coincidence
Oxrandir: You’re right, Konar, that would be too obvious
Konar: Well, let me get back to my story, so that I can finish it before the negotiations resume. Now, where was I?
Oxrandir: Uh you had just traveled into the far south on some kind of errand against the Storm King.
Konar: Yeah, yeah, that’s right Anyway, the upshot of it was that we made some mutual friends down there and invited them to renew trade with the north. Now, as we ail know, Gondor and the lords of Umbar arc at war and do not recognize each other’s legitimacy My own kingdom lies on land claimed by the king of Gondor, so we had to think of some third party who could provide a “neutral zone” where we could all participate in this new trade
Oxrandir: And a more open trade is certainly needed
Konar: Arthedain is in desperate need of grain to feed its starving, landless masses, and it needs more weapons for its fight against Angmar Umbar can provide both, and in turn it can receive timber and raw materials from Eriador for the construction of new ships
Oxrandir: And what do you need, Konar?
Konar: Well, like I already said, I’m pretty self-sufficient in my own little niche of the world, but I see myself as being able to offer the service of protecting this expanded trade route from Umbar to Tharbad.
Oxrandir: Which would undoubtedly bring greater security to your own continued control of Dor en Gurth, sandwiched as it is between the two great “super powers” of Belfalas Bay
Konar: Aha! You’re very perceptive I like that Say, Oxrandir, ever thought of joining up with me and the gang at Ostogurth?
Oxrandir: …do I have a choice?
Konar: Ha, ha, ha! Now that’s funny! I’m just pulling your leg!
Oxrandir: [laughing, but with a tinge of nervous relief] Thank the Valar!
Konar: Like I was saying, all of the representatives gathered here — from Arthedain, Gondor, Umbar, myself, the southern realms, and what’s left of Cardolan — hope to agree on Tharbad as our neutral port for this new trade network and who knows, maybe it can become the basis for future peace negotiations between Umbar and Gondor?
Oxrandir: Yeah, right/And monkeys might fly out of my butt.
Konar: Never underestimate what a barbarian is capable of.
Oxrandir: After this conversation is over I certainly shant underestimate their delusions of grandeur
Konar: Well, any more questions?
Oxrandir: How do you want to be remembered?
Konar: Hmm It’s interesting that you pose that question to me at this juncture, Oxrandir I mean, I’m probably going to be remembered more for this interview and the conference than for anything I ever did previously but for the record, you can quote this I don’t know anything about the way the Dúnadan mind works I’m a barbarian but what I do know is that Darwinian wine is a better solution to our problems than playing trollball over a cup of miruvor.
Oxrandir: I can’t argue with that

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